The doctor let the Cervidil work overnight and by the morning I was having stronger contractions that I actually had to breathe through. I loved these contractions because they were natural and were my own body working. The pain was barely anything. In fact, it could hardly be called pain. It was more of a "sensation" and was what I was expecting for early labor.
My husband rubbed my back every now and then and helped me stay relaxed. We enjoyed ourselves and did things like playing cards to pass time as we waited for the doctor to come back and give me Pitocin (which I knew was when things would really get intense).
I was lucky because I was able to get to 4 cm on my own before they started the Pitocin. I can't even imagine what it would have been like to have been on Pitocin for any longer than I had to. Almost immediately, I felt the difference in the contractions. It was such a strong sensation and clamping down in my back, hips, stomach--everything.
I did my best to move around. I don't think I could have handled even one contraction on Pitocin in the hospital bed. I had to be moving. We tried all of our positions and techniques for relaxation that we had learned in the Bradley classes, but these contractions were not something you could relax through. It was simply impossible. Though I certainly tried...
By 6 cm, I was feeling the urge to push. It was horrible trying to stop myself because it was how my body wanted to respond to the contractions on Pitocin. It was like my body thought it was in transition already because of how intense everything was. I struggled for hours trying to hold back, but it was uncontrollable and I ended up pushing with almost every contraction. I began to get worried because my cervix was swelling because I was pushing without being fully dialated. At this point, I let them break my water because I knew things needed to get speeded up if I was going to avoid a C-section.
After they broke my water, they could no longer do cervical checks (because of the risk of infection and because I was GBS positive), so we no longer knew how I was progressing. After nine hours of being on Pitocin, and being unable to hold back from pushing, I looked at my husband and said, "I know I told you to talk me out of getting an epidural if I said I wanted one, but I think it's the only way I can stop myself from pushing and save myself from a C-section." I was perfectly rational between contractions and he agreed that it was the best course of action.
As much as I didn't want an epidural, I really didn't want a C-section even more (and you'd have to get an epidural/spinal tap for a C-section anyways). So I informed the nurse and she went to get the anesthesiologist. The whole staff had thought I was crazy for trying to do a natural birth on Pitocin in the first place, so I think they were relieved.
The anesthesiologist took so long to do the epidural that by the time he got it in place, I was complete and it was time to push just 30 minutes later. I don't regret the epidural because I do believe it saved me from a C-section. Getting that relief to be able to stop pushing seemed to be just what my body needed to dilate those last few centimeters.
The epidural was also nothing like I had imagined. Of course, the pain immediately went away, but I could still move my legs and feel everything. I could feel my contractions and I felt everything while pushing--the only thing that changed was that the pain was gone.
Pushing was my favorite part of the labor and went by in the blink of an eye, even though my husband had to inform me later that it actually took three hours! I loved being able to "do" something and really work with my body (instead of against it as I had to do before). I loved being able to feel my baby move down the birth canal and when he finally came into this world--well there's nothing like it!
We were so lucky to have the doctor that we did, because he let me be the one to "deliver" the baby. I got to reach down and pull him up to my chest. We also were able to do delayed cord clamping (The hospital we were at was incredibly baby/mother friendly. They also never take the baby out of the room or remove them from your sight).
As I pulled my baby up to me, the first thought I had was "Woah, he is so heavy," but then I figured maybe I was just weak after all I had been through. The doctor had been telling me I was going to have a small baby, so when they said he was 9 lbs. 4 oz. I was amazed! I didn't believe my baby would be small (doctors are so often wrong!), but I thought he'd be in the 8 lb. range. not 9lbs.
All in all, I really was blessed with a good hospital birth, something I never imagined was possible. The Lord heard my cry and gave me mercy. I had a vaginal birth without anything done to me that would cause permanent damage (like an episiotomy). Even though I had to grieve my loss of the birth that I wanted, at the same time I was giving thanks for what I did receive.
In the weeks following, I let go of so many of my judgments towards birthing choices. I now see that all women who give birth are brave--whether they birth at home or have a C-section. Many births don't go as planned and those women need support, not judgment.
Yes, I am still passionate about home birth, and I want women to be educated so that they can fully know all of their options. I would love for the stigma around home birth to be removed. But...I also now know that on the other side of the coin, we don't need to judge the women who end up at the hospital or even choose to be there because that is where they feel most comfortable. Women should know their options and be able to choose.
We will of course try for a home birth with the next baby (if the Lord so blesses us). But my attitude going into it will be different. I won't think I "deserve" a homebirth. I know it will only be by God's mercy if he blesses me with one!
. So far I like this system. I'm into simplicity and the multitude of cloth diapering options are enough to give someone a panic attack, so I haven't given any thought to trying out any other types yet. 