Baby Number Three's Birth Story

I have so long neglected this blog, that it seems it's only a place to tell my birth stories!

This birth for me was definitely my hardest, and as such, it has taken me a while to even want to sit down and type it up. If you've been following my blog, you will remember that my first baby was a hospital birth and my second was a beautiful, and dare I say "easy" homebirth.

This birth was also a homebirth, but it was not "beautiful" or "easy." In fact, I spent most of the time very, very angry. Which if you know anything about birth, you know is not a recipe for a good birth.

Because of my previous very fast labor with my second, I prepared for yet another fast birth. I was worried that it would be so fast that the midwife wouldn't get here in time. Add in a traveling husband and prodromal labor in to the mix, and it was a recipe for always being on edge. I just hoped that everyone would be able to be here and I wouldn't have to deal with the birth on my own or without the birth pool set up (I simply cannot imagine the pushing phase without the water). 

So when my water broke right before midnight on September 22nd, I went into full alert. With my second, my water broke and he was born two hours later. I was sure the baby was right around the corner....

But there were no contractions. I waited. Any minute now...

But there was nothing. I went to sleep on the couch but it was hard to sleep since I expected things to pick up rapidly. Morning came, and there were still no contractions. I was very tired, and I started to get worried. I had several chats with the midwife and she told me to just keep her updated. Once your water breaks, you are "on the clock." Hospitals usually give you 24 hours to deliver the baby, and my midwife was comfortable with 36 hours, but having a time limit set did nothing to make me feel relaxed!

We sent the kids to my parents since I was sure things would pick up. I finally started getting contractions around noon but they were mild and so far apart. I just couldn't believe that this was how everything was happening. In retrospect it seems silly that I let this get to me mentally, but it was just the exact opposite of what I had prepared for. 

Around 3:00 in the afternoon, contractions started to become more painful. I started to have to stop and breathe through them. I also started feeling a little "pushy." To me, this means, wanting to push down during the contraction because it makes it feel less painful. The midwife agreed to come over and since she was an hour away, we set up the birth pool. I got in it and the midwife and my sister in law arrived. I was still smiling and able to have chats with all of them. Per my Bradley training I just knew...I just knew...and I hated that I knew it, but I couldn't be far along at all. Sure enough, when my midwife checked me, I was only at 6cm. 

I had felt "pushy" at 6cm with my first son also, and had caused my cervix to swell, and so I tried to stop doing it but it was hard. 

From here on out, my attitude just got worse and worse. I was so angry that things were going slowly. I just wanted to get this over with!! It seemed so unproductive to have these contractions spread so far apart! They were staying at 8 MINUTES apart, and as you know, contractions should be getting closer together as you get closer to giving birth (Spoiler alert: throughout the whole labor this never changed. They did not get closer together. Not even as I was pushing. Ugh.).

We tried different things to get me to progress. I walked with my husband in the backyard for a while. I went in the shower for a while. Squatted on the toilet. Bounced on the birth ball. 

I was now in considerable pain with each contraction. My midwife checked me and I was an 8. 

We continued to try things. Changing positions. Massage. Shower. Squatting....

Two hours later, I was still an 8. 

I was soooo angry. I wasn't even trying to focus or relax. Someone told me to relax during a contraction and I snapped at them. It was so painful and so terrible and SO slow. 

Inwardly, I was also worried. I knew this wasn't a normal pattern of labor. Contractions do not usually stay this far apart. My midwife tried to reassure me that "For some reason, this baby needs these contractions this far apart." But I had also heard her earlier telling my husband about her concerns of a short cord when the baby was born. They had tried to be discreet so I wouldn't hear, but I picked up on it immediately. I was worried too. I knew it wasn't normal. And this was the only baby we had never had an ultrasound with.

Hours passed. I honestly lost track of the timeline. All I knew was pain and there was no progression. I got back in the birth pool and my midwife said the baby had still not engaged the pelvis. It wasn't dropping and I was still an 8. I really wanted to push. I just kept feeling like I needed to push. She told me to do whatever I felt I needed to. 

At some point, I think she must've begun to see that I was tired. And that things were just not progressing like normal. At least that's how I read it, though I haven't asked her about it since. 

She told me that she was going to stretch the cervix while I pushed. And so that's what we did. For the whole last hour or who knows long of the labor, she would stretch it while I pushed. It was a crazy excruciating finish to this birth. It was unnatural and just through her being up there pulling and me pushing we finally got him out. The last part of pushing his head out...oh my goodness. With contractions that far apart I had to just "pause" and not push even as he was crowning and I don't think anything can compare to that kind of pain. 

Adding to the stress of all this, was that the midwife and her assistant were having lots of quiet little chats that I couldn't hear. And they set up all their emergency equipment. Which had not happened with my last homebirth and of course, was just scary! It was not a relaxing, beautiful time.

When I finally pushed him out, I just said, "Thank God, it's over." 

Thankfully, as soon as he was born, it was quite clear that he was perfectly healthy. Healthy and just huge. He was 9lbs. and 8oz. and had a 15 inch head (The 100th percentile for newborn heads. Lovely). I do believe that his head size contributed to the difficulty of this birth. I am a small person and it's a miracle that we were able to get him out. And, probably the worst part of this whole story, is that he had the cervix still on his head when he crowned. Yes, you read that right. I shudder still thinking of it. But my midwife had to peel it off of his head. He brought the whole thing down with him and out the birth canal. 

Needless to say, I was angry and brooding the whole few hours after his birth. I felt like no person should ever have to go through that. It was not a normal way of giving birth, with the midwife's hand up there pulling the baby down! I said several times for the next few days that I better either have an epidural or a C-section next time because there was no way I would ever go through that trauma again.

But now five months later, I have forgotten a bit of the pain and feel encouraged to try next time to prepare for a long birth (This one was 22 hours). I know now to expect the unexpected, and I will also be praying for a much smaller baby!! Truly, looking back, I know that I should feel blessed. Because in the hospital, I would've had a C-section. A doctor would not tolerate that weird pattern of labor. Nor would they have assisted in pulling him out like the midwife did. And even though a C-section sounded better at the time, now that I have healed and have no permanent damage, I'm thankful not to have to go through the all the hoops for a VBAC next time. 

Baby is Here! The Birth Story...

I was 41 weeks and 4 days pregnant on Saturday, and by this point, I had been having prodromal labor for weeks. I was also getting close to the "cut off" day that you can still deliver with a midwife in our state. After 42 weeks, I would have to be in the care of an OB. I truly wasn't expecting to be pregnant at this point, and with the days running down, I took my midwife's "induction cocktail" (a mixture of apricot juice, castor oil, water, and almond butter--which I had to substitute because I'm allergic to nuts) to see if it would put me into labor. I am usually against interventions and I never thought I would go the "castor oil" route, but we decided all things considered it was the best option. I was induced with my first son and I really wanted to avoid pitocin and that hospital experience again.

I took the drink at 5pm, and was very skeptical that anything would happen. At 8:00 pm, contractions started, which was really nothing new for me. The only thing that was different was that they were coming closer together than normal at 3-4 minutes apart. With most of the prodromal labor, I had contractions at 20 minutes apart. Still, having had so many of these episodes, I didn't want to jump the gun. My husband, however, was immediately convinced this was the real thing and went to go blow up the birth pool. I told him not to be disappointed if it didn't go anywhere. We watched a show on tv for the next hour and I bounced on my birth ball. At 9, my husband asked if I wanted to give the midwife and my sister-in-law a heads up, but I still wasn't sure if I should. By 9:30, he finally convinced me that I should text the midwife and let her know, and he called his sister. We just told them to be "on alert."

I continued having contractions at 3-4 minutes apart and my husband set a few more things up. I figured if this was labor I would have hours to get other things ready so I took my time. At 10:00pm, I had bloody show and I finally thought, "Hmm. Maybe this is the real thing." I told my husband he should tell his sister to come over, just in case. I decided to get a few more things ready and went to our bedroom. I was going to fix my hair, get my bathing suit ready (for the birth pool), get the camera out, etc. I had another contraction and was leaning up against my bedroom chair when all of sudden my water broke (this was at 10:30pm)! I was in complete shock. In the hospital with my first birth, my water didn't break on it's own. They had to break it at 7 cm.

Suddenly, I was realizing this was it and I was possibly much further along in labor than I had imagined. Was I already past 7 cm? I knew that contractions usually get much stronger after your water breaks, so I started to brace myself. My husband called the midwife and she said she would be on her way (she is 45 minutes away). Since my water had broken and would continue leaking, I got in the birth pool. Thank goodness my husband had had the foresight to set it up already! He started filling it up with warm water, which felt very relaxing. I remember thinking about how the warm water can make your labor progress very quickly, and my midwife's caution to not get in the pool until she arrived. But at that point, there was no keeping me out of that water. It was the only thing that sounded good for the pain of the contractions that started coming.

Still, at this point, the contractions were not as bad as what I had experienced being induced on pitocin at the hospital, so I was thinking I still had hours to go. My husband was still running around getting things ready, like the camera, and I was thinking I wouldn't really need his support for a while. My sister-in-law arrived at 11:00, right as I was in the middle of a contraction. I think she was a little shocked that things had already progressed so far. At this point, I was having to focus and couldn't speak through the contractions any more. She started timing my contractions and my husband rubbed my shoulders. I started to have a lot of trouble relaxing through the contractions, which was so frustrating because I usually have more control over myself.

The midwife arrived at 11:30 and started trying to coach me through relaxing more fully. I was getting frustrated though because I just couldn't seem to do it! I was moving around a lot during the contractions and she wanted me to stay in one place and focus, but it just seemed impossible! Contractions were starting to come one on top of another and lasting over a minute now.

Still, I was thinking I had hours of this ahead because this is what it felt like on pitocin when I was only 5-6 cm. I had no idea I had already been in transition. But my midwife heard a noise I made and said, "It's time to push." I told her, "This has been too easy, there is no way it is time to push!" Which looking back on is pretty hilarious to me! She and my husband had to convince me and I argued with them. In the hospital, I had felt like pushing at 6 cm and my cervix had started to swell, so I was afraid that was happening again. My midwife checked me to relieve my fears and told me that it was definitely time to push and that baby was right there! It was only midnight at this point!

I did a practice push, and my midwife told me baby was coming down quickly with each push. I just couldn't believe it. I was in shock. I had pushed for 3 hours with my son. Everything was going so quickly. With my son, I had an epidural for the pushing phase so to feel the pain of it this time was a new sensation. Still, I have to say it was nowhere near the pain of pitocin! I also like the pushing contractions so much better than the ones where you can't "do" anything while they happen.

The pressure of him coming was so intense and I didn't really know how to focus my energy so I became a bit frantic at one point, until my midwife helped me into a good position in the tub and told me how to push. In three more contractions, he was out! The cord was wrapped around his neck once so my midwife quickly unwrapped it and helped bring him up to my chest. He was born at 12:23 am. Not even two hours after my water had broken! I just sat there in shock. I expected to go through a marathon of pain, and here it was, already over.

I couldn't believe I had just had a baby. In my dining room.

We didn't know the gender, so I asked my husband, is it a boy? And sure enough it was! He looked so tiny to me compared to my first son. I was thinking he must be 6 pounds, mostly because I am just so used to the size of my toddler now! But later when they weighed him, he was 8 lbs 3 oz. Almost exactly a pound less than my first son was. I was thankful to have had a smaller baby that was easier to birth this time. I had watched my weight more closely this pregnancy (total weight gain of 40 lbs instead of the 50 with my first son).

After a little skin to skin in the tub, they helped me over to the couch and I got lie there with him while everyone cleaned up. It was amazing how my whole house was put back together in less than an hour. My sister in law drained the birth tub, my husband put our dining table back in place and the midwives cleaned up who knows what else! Next, they did the newborn exam, checked me (no tears!), and cut the baby's cord. He got to stay attached to his placenta for at least an hour, which was just incredible. The midwives made sure I was in bed and comfy with baby and then left at 2:30 am, just two hours after he was born.

 I was feeling so much shock and awe at everything that had happened. The difference between the hospital experience and this one was night and day. I couldn't believe how good I felt. Or that I could walk so easily and didn't feel like passing out. I felt like myself and I had just had a baby. I didn't realize just how much the drugs of the pitocin and the epidural had effected me in the hospital. There has also been a marked difference in how baby responded after birth. He latched right away and has been eating ever since, whereas with my first, he wouldn't latch at all for the first day. He had no interest in eating.

My recovery in every way has been incredible. With my first, I couldn't sit on couches or chairs for two weeks. With this birth, I could already sit the very same day. I could barely walk or lift baby for three weeks with my first, and again, this time, I could already do so easily the very same day.

After this experience, I feel my passion for homebirth rejuvenated in a new way. I wish everyone could experience birth this way, mainly because I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I did in the hospital. Still, I am thankful that God gave me the hospital experience so that I wouldn't take this birth for granted. He answered my prayers in every way for a beautiful, peaceful, easy, and quick labor!

An Update!

I know it's been a long time since I've updated, and I've left everyone hanging after the exciting announcement that we might be moving. We did move and we love our new house, but between all of that and my pregnancy, blogging took a back seat! So what am I currently up to?

Well, this is my 41 week pregnant belly as of today:

I haven't done any of the bi-weekly updates here like I wish I had, but it was just too much this time. I have found I have just enough energy to keep up with my toddler, keep the house clean, do the gardening and laundry, and pull some dinner together. For my sanity, I have always prioritized having a clean house (I just can't think or function in a dirty/cluttered one), so other things have gone by the wayside now that most of my time is spent chasing after and entertaining my little guy.

I didn't really think I would still be pregnant at this point (aren't second babies supposed to come sooner?!), so I don't have any plans for the week other than my midwife appointment. Not having any plans when you are waiting for baby is the worst! I desperately want the distractions so that time will go faster!

Making brownies this afternoon

We are planning another homebirth this time, but I am completely open to how it will go. I have tests and an ultrasound on Thursday to see if fluid levels are good and the placenta is still functioning. If so, I can continue on with the pregnancy, but otherwise I would go to the hospital to be induced (as I was with my first). After 42 weeks, you cannot deliever with a midwife per state law, so we'll have to make decisions if I get to that point. For now, I'm still hopeful that I will go into spontaneous labor within this next week!

We Might Be Moving

(I don't like to count my chickens before they hatch, hence the title of this post...hehe)

 We are currently in escrow on a home and Lord willing we will be moving in a little over a month. We're staying in the same area but finally settling down into our own place.

The fact of the matter is that our one bedroom, 500 square foot rented home is just too small to easily accommodate two children. The space itself isn't exactly the problem per se....it's more of the layout and the lack of a separate room for the children (unless we go live outside while they are napping! Oh... and take the cats with us). I can't imagine having two babies napping in this place, and as any parent knows, you do not want to live a life where your children don't nap!

My husband and I had wanted to buy a house in cash and that plan seemed like it would be feasible in a couple years until my husband was laid off last year. God provided a much better job for him in terms of working hours and the overall environment, but it did have lower pay. We knew that paying cash anytime soon would be out of the question.

We've been living debt free and we didn't want to have a mortgage, but decided that is the best option for us at this time. Renting a two bedroom place around here would be more expensive than what we will pay as a mortgage and would give us less space than this house we are buying. Not to mention, it wouldn't have the awesome outdoor space for the kids that it does!

We are excited and truly hoping that everything goes well during escrow so that we can move in a little after our son's first birthday! I'm looking forward to having double the space we have now, a separate bedroom for the children to sleep in, and being able to access the bathroom at all times. It also has great outdoor space and a separate sun porch where we can contain the cats (which is a very important point to me--I am tired of kitties interrupting nap time and having a litter box in my bathroom).

It also is move in ready. All we need to do is paint it our desired colors. Yes, there is a lot of updating that could be done, but it doesn't concern me at this point in my life. I know most people want granite counter tops and nice flooring, but I'm so over caring about that. I know that most places can look 75% better with paint and the way you decorate it.

At times I feel disappointed that we will no longer be debt free, so this is an area where I am really having to trust God and let go. The cheapskate in me does not like paying interest. But when I think about the chaos that would come from living in this little space, I know that we are doing the right thing to maintain peace in our family.

I will try to be better about updating here as we make the move and hopefully get to show you some before and after shots. Decorating is definitely one of my passions!

Pregnancy Weight

With my last pregnancy, I gained fifty pounds (maybe even 55 if you'd weighed me on the day I had him). I never in a million years expected to gain so much! I thought for sure I would have one of those "cute" pregnant bellies and gain around 25 or 30 at the most. My mother had gained only 25 pounds with each of her babies and I just expected I would do the same.

It was so hard to be carrying around that much weight by the end of the pregnancy. I felt huge. Like a monster that made the earth rumble under my feet with each step--pound, pound, pound. And waddle, waddle, waddle, of course.

Going into this for the second time, I have to admit that's the thing I'm really not looking forward to. Feeling huge, having trouble getting around, barely being able to walk. It's the worst part of pregnancy in my book! Especially since this baby will be due in the heat of summer.

I keep wondering if there's any way I could gain less this time, and if it would be healthy to do so? Am I just one of those people who needs to gain a ton of weight to be able to carry a healthy baby? Did I overeat? I put no limit on my intake of food, as midwives and doctor's generally advise against it today unless you have a condition like gestational diabetes. I ate almost entirely healthy, made from scratch meals. But I ate SO much of everything. Especially in the last two months.

I have been lucky in that breastfeeding allowed me to shed all of my pregnancy weight by four months postpartum. So at least I am going into the second pregnancy without extra weight from the first. However, this time, I hope to watch the quantity of what I eat and really ask myself if I "need" to eat more, or am just eating from boredom. It may not make a difference in what I gain.....

But it would be so nice to only gain 25 pounds and still feel somewhat agile! Especially since I will have another little person to chase after this time!

The Unexpected

It's a windy and cold day here, and there is a lot that my brain is processing.

The last two weeks have been very eventful. There has been a lot of bad news. Our only car was in a car accident and is out of commission. A family member suffered a heart attack. Other family members are having problems with their jobs. A friend broke up with her fiance and their engagement is over. In the midst of all this, I had a teething baby that was clingy and whiny. To top it off, this is my husband's busy season for work and he is away on business almost every week.

When he finally did make it home to us for the weekend, he was sick and the weekend we had hoped to enjoy together was instead full of tissues, coughing, and a fever.

In the midst of all this, we learned something surprising: we are pregnant with baby number two. Wow. With our first only 7 months old, you can bet I was surprised starring at that positive pregnancy test. So many things ran through my mind. People will think we are crazy. How will I manage two under two?

But despite the little fears that creep in, I know deep in my soul that this is good. And that this is right. I could never know when to "plan" the next child for us. There are too many things to consider and I'd get overwhelmed. But God knows. And His timing is perfect, so we can rest assured that this is the perfect time for this child to come to us.

So we thank Him and look forward to who this child will be and what they will add to our family.

Now that I already have one, I look forward even more to what they will be like--their personality, their hair color, their face. I look forward to meeting them for the first time...that precious moment that can never be forgotten. Their little newborn cry. There is so much to look forward to!

And for every thought that whispers, "what if" and "how will you..." there is the strength and peace of God that envelopes me and reassures me that He will give me what I need each day at a time.

When the Kitchen is Clean...

You should make sure there is photographic evidence. My husband is away on business for a few days, and not having to cook dinner meant extra time and less dishes. So I actually accomplished this:

Yes, it feels glorious. I don't see the kitchen this clean very often. There's usually at least 20 dishes in the sink. And today I even mopped the floors! *pats self on back*  It's not easy getting things done when you have a 4 month old and are up from 3-5 in the morning. If some of these photos are a little bit blurry, that's because I was trying not to get a certain curious baby in the photos... 

I was wearing him in my wrap and trying to take pictures around him. Here's an even more hilarious one when I used the flash and nearly blinded him. :P

 Most of the time my house is decked out along these lines....messy desks...

 And just a full on wild circus of craziness with my two cats who love to knock over my chair. Every. Single. Day.

 I'm learning to let go. I'm a perfectionist and I love a clean house. But when I remember the things that make it messy--my dear husband, my crazy cats, and my precious baby--I wouldn't ever, *ever* trade them for a quiet, clean, magazine-worthy house. 

The Prideful Parent

I flew to Colorado for a wedding last week with our eight week old and he did amazing on the plane ride. While other babies screamed and cried, he slept or smiled at people. The people next to me, no doubt relieved, told me what "a good baby he is!"

It would be easy for me to think..."Why, yes, he is a good baby, and I must've had something to with it!"

While I was tempted to congratulate myself that my child had not caused any discomfort to the surrounding passengers, I really had no right to. I was just as nervous as the next parent when I got on that plane, not knowing how my child would handle the flight. I wasn't any better than the parent whose baby screamed. I didn't do anything different to make my baby not be sensitive to the pressure changes and ear popping. I was just lucky. Or rather, it was only by God's grace that he did so well!

I'm finding it would be easy as a parent to take pride in our child's accomplishments or behavior, when really we should be thanking God for what he has given us in them.

I have been learning to replace thoughts like, "My baby slept a six hour stretch last night! That's because of all the work I've put into sleep training him. I've done a great job! People whose babies aren't sleeping must be lazy and not putting the work into it" with thoughts of "Thank you, Lord, for letting him sleep a six hour stretch at night. Thank you for your mercy!"

Like any person without children, I had my thoughts about how I was going to raise my child. But I've discovered you can't just make plans and follow them with babies. Sometimes babies don't respond how you want them to! Imagine that!

My personality likes to think if you just do A you'll get B. If you put the work into something and follow a method you'll get results.

In no area has this been challenged more than in sleep training my little guy. I had multiple friends who have followed a certain method and had great results. Their babies were sleeping through the night at five weeks! I set out to do the same....but surprise, my baby is now ten weeks and still not sleeping through the night.

For weeks I was bitter as I suffered sleep deprivation. Instead of being thankful that he was sleeping five hour stretches, I kept hoping he'd extend his nighttime sleep more. Then, we went through two weeks of sleep regression when he was up every 1 to 2 hours. I began to drool just thinking of the five hour stretches I used to get.

It changed my perspective and now I pray prayers of thankfulness for God's mercy as I get up with him during the night. I am not owed anything. I do not deserve anything. Not even sleep.

 God has humbled me greatly through my son, and for that I am thankful. I cannot judge another parent because I don't know what they are facing. They may be the best parents in the world and I may catch their child on a bad day. They may have put in the all the work, all the discipline, all the time...and yet their child hasn't responded to it well. We may labor and make plans, but the results are ultimately from the Lord. So instead of being puffed up at what I've accomplished in raising my child, let me fall on my knees and thank the Lord for his mercy!

Fair is Around the Corner...

Fair is coming up and the deadline to submit entries is even sooner. I've been thinking a lot about how I want to enter some jams but the fruit I need still hasn't gone on sale...and I have a new baby.

You see, for the family I married into, fair is a big deal. My husband and his siblings were involved in 4H for years, showing themselves and then becoming project leaders after they were too old to participate. His brother and his father both work for the fair, and you can bet that we will spend almost every day there once it is open.

I enjoy fair season and I'm looking forward to enjoying it a little more this year since I was pregnant last year and all the smells of food bothered me. All I wanted to eat was salad and healthy food, but I was surrounded with fried Twinkies and chocolate dipped bacon. Yuck...

I didn't enter any canned goods last year because I was working a crazy job and planning a wedding, but I want this year to be different! Even if I can't get anything canned in time, I'm telling myself that I could enter the baked goods category with my cinnamon raisin bread and or maybe some cinnamon rolls. Yum! The only thing terrible about baking for fair is that you have to turn it in without getting to eat it yourself (unless you make a double batch :P).

What about you? Is there a fair in your area? Have you ever entered anything?

One Day at a Time

I'm one of those people that likes to accomplish a lot of things with their day. And needless to say, having an eight-week old really cuts back on what you can accomplish.

Learning to give myself grace in this area is one of the hardest things I'm facing in motherhoood. I like to keep my home spotless. I like to bake and try out intricate new recipes. I like to do crafts and sewing projects. And, well, a lot of those things just don't make it into the day anymore.

Things can only be accomplished during nap time, and then I'm faced with the choice of "What should I do with this time?" Shower? Do the dishes? Mop the floor? Pay some bills or sort through paperwork? What is most important? Agh! And why can't I do it all!

I'm definitely Martha in the well-known Bible story of Mary and Martha. I'd be the one trying to clean while Jesus was teaching...and then asking Him if He could force others to help me. It's hard for me to relax when things aren't "done." And, things are never done. There is always more I could be doing.

Real life

Yesterday, I was particularly overwhelmed with the state of my home, the paperwork and bills, and the church newsletter that was due (I am the editor). I was in the midst of the dishes, trying to imagine how I would ever do this with more than one child. I could just see the chaos that would surely surround me. The lack of sleep. How would I ever have the strength?

But then I heard the Lord whisper, "Do you have strength for today?"

And I had to admit...that, yes, I had enough strength to make it through the remaining hours of the day.

And I realized that's all I have to do right now. Today. I just have to make it through today. Tomorrow is promised to no one, and it does no good to worry about all the future things I will have to face. All of them piled up in my brain at one time may be more than I can take, but today...well, I can handle today. And that's all I'm supposed to be handling anyways.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Matthew 6:34

And speaking of trouble...ahem...my little toilet paper shredder...

Cloth Diapering Starting This Week!

I love big cloth-diapered baby butts! They are so cute!

I've started cloth diapering this week while I still have disposables so I can ease myself into it. I'm only doing cloth diapers during the day while I can really pay attention to potential leaking issues. So far no leaks, but I want to know what I'm doing before I go for an overnight.

The first thing I realized was very unexpected, and something only a mother can relate to probably. I realized that the diapers I had made with dark fabrics to hide stains....well, I'd rather have them be light colors so I can see exactly what baby's poop looks like. Yes, I never thought I would be talking about this, but you don't realize how important things like this are until you become a parent. 

Being able to clearly see this is a big indicator of baby's health, and this week it's especially become important because I'm thinking that our little guy has a dairy intolerance. I am going off dairy as of today to see if it fixes a lot of the things he's experiencing. It breaks my heart to see him suffering even a little bit. I thought if I ever had to give up dairy I'd do it grudgingly, but it is not how I feel at all. It seems like a small thing to fix the host of issues he has had this past week.

All this to say, if you are thinking of cloth diapering, consider getting a lighter inner fabric!

I am using pocket diapers that I sewed for him with Prorap diaper covers . So far I like this system. I'm into simplicity and the multitude of cloth diapering options are enough to give someone a panic attack, so I haven't given any thought to trying out any other types yet. 

I like the Prorap covers because they have great leg gussets, are in the perfect price range ($7.99), and have free shipping on Amazon. And of course, I like my pocket diapers because I sewed them myself and am a little partial to them. ;)

This is only the beginning of our cloth diapering journey, so I'm sure there's a lot I'll learn and will share later. I haven't even washed any of them yet.... Yep, there's a lot to learn!

I Gave Birth at the Hospital: The Birth Story I Never Thought I Would Tell--Part 2

The doctor let the Cervidil work overnight and by the morning I was having stronger contractions that I actually had to breathe through. I loved these contractions because they were natural and were my own body working. The pain was barely anything. In fact, it could hardly be called pain. It was more of a "sensation" and was what I was expecting for early labor.

My husband rubbed my back every now and then and helped me stay relaxed. We enjoyed ourselves and did things like playing cards to pass time as we waited for the doctor to come back and give me Pitocin (which I knew was when things would really get intense).

I was lucky because I was able to get to 4 cm on my own before they started the Pitocin. I can't even imagine what it would have been like to have been on Pitocin for any longer than I had to. Almost immediately, I felt the difference in the contractions. It was such a strong sensation and clamping down in my back, hips, stomach--everything.

I did my best to move around. I don't think I could have handled even one contraction on Pitocin in the hospital bed. I had to be moving. We tried all of our positions and techniques for relaxation that we had learned in the Bradley classes, but these contractions were not something you could relax through. It was simply impossible. Though I certainly tried...

By 6 cm, I was feeling the urge to push. It was horrible trying to stop myself because it was how my body wanted to respond to the contractions on Pitocin. It was like my body thought it was in transition already because of how intense everything was. I struggled for hours trying to hold back, but it was uncontrollable and I ended up pushing with almost every contraction. I began to get worried because my cervix was swelling because I was pushing without being fully dialated. At this point, I let them break my water because I knew things needed to get speeded up if I was going to avoid a C-section.

After they broke my water, they could no longer do cervical checks (because of the risk of infection and because I was GBS positive), so we no longer knew how I was progressing. After nine hours of being on Pitocin, and being unable to hold back from pushing, I looked at my husband and said, "I know I told you to talk me out of getting an epidural if I said I wanted one, but I think it's the only way I can stop myself from pushing and save myself from a C-section." I was perfectly rational between contractions and he agreed that it was the best course of action.

As much as I didn't want an epidural, I really didn't want a C-section even more (and you'd have to get an epidural/spinal tap for a C-section anyways). So I informed the nurse and she went to get the anesthesiologist. The whole staff had thought I was crazy for trying to do a natural birth on Pitocin in the first place, so I think they were relieved.

The anesthesiologist took so long to do the epidural that by the time he got it in place, I was complete and it was time to push just 30 minutes later.  I don't regret the epidural because I do believe it saved me from a C-section. Getting that relief to be able to stop pushing seemed to be just what my body needed to dilate those last few centimeters.

The epidural was also nothing like I had imagined. Of course, the pain immediately went away, but I could still move my legs and feel everything. I could feel my contractions and I felt everything while pushing--the only thing that changed was that the pain was gone.

Pushing was my favorite part of the labor and went by in the blink of an eye, even though my husband had to inform me later that it actually took three hours! I loved being able to "do" something and really work with my body (instead of against it as I had to do before). I loved being able to feel my baby move down the birth canal and when he finally came into this world--well there's nothing like it!

We were so lucky to have the doctor that we did, because he let me be the one to "deliver" the baby. I got to reach down and pull him up to my chest. We also were able to do delayed cord clamping (The hospital we were at was incredibly baby/mother friendly. They also never take the baby out of the room or remove them from your sight).

As I pulled my baby up to me, the first thought I had was "Woah, he is so heavy," but then I figured maybe I was just weak after all I had been through. The doctor had been telling me I was going to have a small baby, so when they said he was 9 lbs. 4 oz. I was amazed! I didn't believe my baby would be small (doctors are so often wrong!), but I thought he'd be in the 8 lb. range. not 9lbs.

All in all, I really was blessed with a good hospital birth, something I never imagined was possible. The Lord heard my cry and gave me mercy. I had a vaginal birth without anything done to me that would cause permanent damage (like an episiotomy). Even though I had to grieve my loss of the birth that I wanted, at the same time I was giving thanks for what I did receive.

In the weeks following, I let go of so many of my judgments towards birthing choices. I now see that all women who give birth are brave--whether they birth at home or have a C-section. Many births don't go as planned and those women need support, not judgment.

Yes, I am still passionate about home birth, and I want women to be educated so that they can fully know all of their options. I would love for the stigma around home birth to be removed. But...I also now know that on the other side of the coin, we don't need to judge the women who end up at the hospital or even choose to be there because that is where they feel most comfortable. Women should know their options and be able to choose.

We will of course try for a home birth with the next baby (if the Lord so blesses us). But my attitude going into it will be different. I won't think I "deserve" a homebirth. I know it will only be by God's mercy if he blesses me with one!

Sorry to keep you in suspense!

I will finish my birth story...I promise! My laptop broke and although I also have a tablet for accessing the internet, typing on it is such a pain that I really couldn't imagine writing the rest of my birth story on it without a keyboard. But as of yesterday, my super smart husband took my laptop apart, replaced a part, and fixed my laptop! So I will return to blogging soon!

Honestly, these first weeks with a new baby have been busy, as you can imagine. Throw a week of food poisoning (salmonella) into the mix, and things got even crazier. But we finally have a routine down and I am looking forward to getting back into blogging and having an outlet for my thoughts again and being able to share a little bit of our ordinary life.

I Gave Birth at the Hospital: The Birth Story I Never Thought I Would Tell--Part 1

It's something I never thought I would do. But apparently my plans were not the Lord's plans. After studying homebirth for the past seven years, and diligently planning for every aspect of the waterbirth that I wanted to have, what actually happened was quite different. Here is my unexpected birth story:

At 38 weeks I had to meet with my midwife's backup doctor, something I really wasn't looking forward to. I "knew" I wasn't going to have a hospital birth, but I did it just to be "safe." When the lady at the clinic there took my blood pressure, it was 123 over 83, and she said to me, "Oh your blood pressure is high, lets take it again."

As soon as I heard it was high, my heart jolted, because I knew this was one of the things that can disqualify you from the care of your midwife. She took my blood pressure again and it had jumped to 140 over 90. The doctor spent the entire appointment telling me about the risks of high blood pressure and how I needed to go to the hospital to be monitored. I declined and left, thinking, "There is no way I have high blood pressure!"

Just to be safe, I borrowed my parent's blood pressure monitor and monitored it at home. I had normal and even low blood pressure that entire week. I later learned that 120 over 80 is normal blood pressure and the lady at the doctor's office should have never said it was high in the first place!

I went to my midwife's at 39 weeks and had normal blood pressure there.

At 40 weeks I was supposed to return to the doctor's office for another visit. I dreaded going back, knowing he was just going to tell me I had high blood pressure again and I'd have to listen to the list of things that could happen to me and my baby. I couldn't sleep that entire night. So of course, when I got there, my blood pressure was high. He suggested I go to the hospital again. I declined.

Unfortunately, my midwife's appointment was right after that appointment, and I didn't have enough time to calm down before seeing her. She got a high reading on my blood pressure and told me to go home and take the weekend to relax and try to get it down. She would recheck it the next Monday.

However, because I knew that if I got another high blood pressure reading with her that I wouldn't be able to have her as my midwife, it stressed me out so much that come Monday, my blood pressure was higher than ever. I was told that I had pregnancy induced hypertension, and even she said I should go to the hospital to be induced. I was devastated. I knew that I didn't have high blood pressure. I knew that it wasn't pregnancy induced hypertension, it was panic induced hypertension. There is nothing scarier to me than giving birth in the hospital. I was terrified. And yet because of that fear, I had lost my option of having my midwife.

It was a horrible day and night for my husband and I as we contemplated our options. We could either have an unassisted homebirth or go to the hospital for an induction. I knew the risks of both. And neither was an option I wanted. We had to make a decision between two terrible options. I honestly wanted the unassisted birth more. But at 40 weeks and a few days, I felt utterly unprepared to go for that option. I needed more time to plan and prepare and get some medical supplies. But baby could come any day! What if I bled more than I was supposed to? What if I needed stitches? Did we really want to do this alone? Could we forgive ourselves if something went wrong?

Even more important than all these thoughts, was the fact that I felt God tugging at my heart telling me He wanted me to lay down my idea of a homebirth. I wanted it too much. It had become an idol to me without realizing. I felt I deserved to have a homebirth. I knew what I had to do and it was terrifying. I had to be brave, face my fears, and walk in the door to the hospital for an induction.

I didn't sleep that entire night.

In the morning, we packed our bags for the hospital, slowly and sadly. We texted everyone that our plans had changed. I cried as I apologized to our baby. This wasn't how I wanted them to be born. I wanted to protect them from the drugs and interventions that were sure to occur at the hospital.

I prayed desperately that God would at least protect me from a C-section. That was the worst of my fears. I knew that with an induction the risk for this was very much increased.

We signed in at the hospital and they started the induction with cervadil, a drug that prepares and "ripens" the cervix. Apparently I was already having contractions when I got there, although I couldn't feel them. They had a monitor that showed each contraction, which was interesting to watch.

By the time I was in the hospital I had made peace with where God had taken our birth and I was ready to do my best with what we were facing. I made every effort to be completely relaxed. I knew to make it through labor, especially a labor on Pitocin (an artificial hormone that makes your uterus contract more intensely than natural labor) I had to be completely relaxed.

Interestingly enough, as I suspected, the entire time I was in the hospital, I had no sign of high blood pressure. In fact, because of my deep relaxation I had low blood pressure! They never had to give me any drugs to lower my blood pressure and one nurse told me very strongly that there was nothing wrong with me! I had known this was the case, but I still knew that this was the path God had wanted to take me on for some reason. I had to lay down my idea of a homebirth and surrender it to Him, and face my fears of the hospital....

(to be continued)

It's A Boy!

Our little guy was born Thursday at 10:53 in the morning. 

Weighing 9 lbs. and 4 oz!

21 1/2 inches long. 

We are both doing well and just getting in the hang of things.  The birth was nothing like we had planned for,  but it was still a good birth, if not the ideal one I had hoped for.  I will write up the birth story when I get the chance!

Pregnancy Update: 40 Weeks

40 Weeks

How far along? 40 weeks and 3 days as of today! 

Baby Size: Average baby is around 7 lbs, but both my husband and I were big babies at almost nine pounds. We shall see...

  Total weight gain: 40 lbs. 

Stretch Marks? I think some have formed in the last two weeks, but we'll see for sure afterwards.

Sleep: It's been hit or miss this week.

Best moment this week: Having my sweet husband take care of so many things for me and generally just do all he can to ensure my comfort. It's been neat to see how much he is looking forward to being a father too. I've really realized on a deeper level how caring he is throughout this pregnancy and especially this week.

Miss Anything? Being able to actually hug my husband! You know...without hitting into him with the baby belly first!

Movement: Baby is moving around a lot and it's so obvious to other people, which is neat.

Food cravings: Coffee, fruit, and sugar. But, I am not giving into my cravings, except for fruit! I weaned myself off of caffeine a month ago in preparation for breastfeeding.

Gender Prediction: At this point, I suddenly am not thinking one way or another. I just want a healthy baby!

Symptoms: Cramping and Braxton Hicks contractions, but no real contractions yet.

Mood:  I'm feeling good and really hoping baby decides to come this week, but I know I might still have more time to go. I don't mind being pregnant longer, since I know it will come to an end soon, but I really do want to see our little baby and get to start taking care of them! All of my friends who were due around this time have had their babies and I love looking at the pictures, but it makes me want to see our baby soon too.

Looking forward to: Giving birth!

Pregnancy Update: 39 Weeks

39 Weeks

How far along? 39 weeks as of this last Thursday. 

Baby Size: As big as a watermelon! I certainly believe it because I feel like it!

  Total weight gain: 40 lbs. And I'm still hungry ALL the time.

 Maternity clothes? It's quite comical how most of my maternity shirts can't even cover this belly anymore! 

Stretch Marks? I think I might have one, but it's so hard to tell. I know this is the time to get them. Maybe you can tell more once you've delivered and everything starts shrinking?

Sleep: I've been experiencing more rough nights this week. I've been waking up hungry or with cramping and contractions and can't get back to sleep.

Best moment this week: Having my midwife appointment and just talking over all the last minute things with her. Everything is feeling so real. I'm really going to have this baby! I so look forward to the birth we are planning and having her there.

Miss Anything? Being able to sing with my full voice and all my breath. I love singing and it's hard not to be able to sing like I used to.

Movement: Still moving around a lot!

Food cravings: I'm loving fruit and lots of light things, because the weather has turned hot suddenly (80-90 degrees).

Gender Prediction: As my husband says, we feel it's a girl, but we think it's a boy. I really feel like it's a girl, but think most likely it's a boy (because of his family's track record with having boys!).

Symptoms: More Braxton hicks contractions, but no "real" contractions.

Mood:  I'm in good spirits, but I really hope baby comes soon, because I feel like my energy levels are plummeting with each day. I can't believe how heavy I feel, and I really want to be energized for the labor.

Looking forward to: The times I have planned with friends this week to keep me busy and occupied.

Pregnancy Update: 38 Weeks

38 Weeks

How far along? 38 weeks as of this last Thursday. 

Baby Size: About the size of a leek. Average baby size at this point is almost 7 lbs. The OB told us that the baby is small, but big babies run in my family, so we'll see.

  Total weight gain: 39 lbs. I'm still not sure how I gained this much! Except for the fact that this last month, I have been constantly hungry. I've forgotten what it feels like to feel full. 

 Maternity clothes? My mom bought me a few more maternity clothes, which was so nice of her. It's helpful to have even a few more pieces to make it through these last weeks.

Stretch Marks? Still none.

Sleep: I've been sleeping better this week, thankfully.

Best moment this week: Getting the OB appointment over with. Going there made me so much more thankful for my midwife and her excellent care. I can't wait to tell her how much I appreciate her at my next appointment! I never wait in her office, whereas at the OB's office we waited almost 2 hours before being seen. My midwife always speaks to me as if I am a partner in my health. Whereas, this OB as nice as he is, still seemed condescending.

Miss Anything? Being full and not having to eat all the time. But I suppose this won't change because I'll be nursing baby.

Movement: Baby's activity is about the same. But I have noticed that their active time is actually switching over more to day time than night time. Which is good!

Food cravings: Everything. I feel like a bottomless pit this week. I can't keep up with my appetite.

Gender Prediction: As my husband says, we feel it's a girl, but we think it's a boy. I really feel like it's a girl, but think most likely it's a boy (because of his family's track record with having boys!).

Symptoms: More and more pelvic pressure every day. 

Mood:  Feeling more "bleh" as I go into this next week. I'm glad that I got through the busyness of this last week, but I have almost nothing planned for next week and just sitting at home waiting around doesn't sound good either! I need to get a balance between doing too much and keeping myself busy in these last weeks!

Looking forward to: Having this baby! Pretty much everything is ready and we are just waiting at this point.

Baby Update: 37 Weeks

37 Weeks

*I'm moving to updating weekly instead of biweekly because I really want to document this last part of my pregnancy*

How far along? 37 weeks as of this last Thursday! I'm past the 37 week mark and it is now considered "safe" to have the baby with my midwife. 

Baby Size: About the size of a "mini watermelon."

  Total weight gain: 36ish lbs. I've stopped weighing myself at home and now just wait for my midwife appointments. 

 Maternity clothes? I just keep rotating through the few that still fit.

Stretch Marks? Still none, thankfully. My midwife mentioned that it could be because I've taking fish oil which really helps with skin elasticity. But it also could be genetics, because my mom didn't get any either. Although, there still could be four weeks to go!

Sleep: For most of the week, sleep was restless and interrupted. It's just so hard to get comfortable with such a big belly.

Best moment this week: Getting six crockpot freezer meals done and packed away in our fridge. And my friend coming over to help me put the last of the baby stuff away! I'm really starting to feel prepared.

Miss Anything? Being small.

Movement: Still kicking up a storm! Baby is moving so much and there have been so many more painful pokes and jabs lately because they are so strong. Baby also seems to like to flail all of its limbs at once and try to stretch itself out...

Food cravings: Fruit and sugar.

Gender Prediction: As my husband says, we feel it's a girl, but we think it's a boy. I really feel like it's a girl, but think most likely it's a boy (because of his family's track record with having boys!).

Symptoms: More contractions, but nothing falling into a regular pattern. My feet are hurting more also because of how much weight they're being forced to bear.

Mood:  I'm happy because of all the things we accomplished this week, like getting the carseat and buying the stroller, but I'm dreading this next week before it even begins because of all the things I have packed into it. I know I'm supposed to be slowing down, but instead it keeps feeling like I am squeezing "one last thing" in in many areas of my life. Yikes!

Looking forward to: Getting this week over. It may sound silly to dread it so much, but I have an appointment with my midwife's backup OB and I'm not looking forward to it. I hear he is an excellent OB but I don't look forward to going to a strange doctor's office where I know things will be so much different than the beautiful relaxed atmosphere of my midwife's office. I have to meet with him, however, in the case of a hospital transfer, so that I can go to a good OB instead of just being put into someone's random care.